My fellow Identity-Americans
As your future President I want to thank
my supporters, for their... well, support.
Your mindless support of me, despite my
complete lack of any legislative achievement,
my pastor's relations with Louis Farrakhan
and Libyan dictator Moamar Quadafi, or my
blatantly leftist voting record while I present
myself as some sort of bi-partisan agent of change.
I also like how my supporters claim my youthful
drug use and criminal behavior somehow qualifies
me for the Presidency after 8 years of claiming
Bush's youthful drinking disqualifies him.
Your hypocrisy is a beacon of hope shining over
a sea of political posing.
I would also like to thank the Kennedy's for
coming out in support of me. There's a lot of
glamour behind the Kennedy name, even though
JFK started the Vietnam War, his brother
Robert illegally wiretapped Martin Luther King, Jr.
and Teddy killed a teenage girl. And I'm not
going anywhere near the cousins, both literally
And I'd like to thank Oprah Winfrey for her support.
Her love of meaningless empty platitudes will be
the force that propels me to the White House.
Americans should vote for me, not because of my
lack of experience or achievement, but because
I make people feel good. Voting for me causes
some white folk to feel relieved of their imagined,
I say things that sound meaningful, but don't really
mean anything because Americans are tired of
things having meaning. If things have meaning,
then that means you have to think about them.
Americans are tired of thinking.
It's time to shut down the brain,
and open up the heart.
So when you go to vote in the primaries,
remember don't think, just do.
And do it for me.